the duck pond

I honestly thought I had moved on from my break up, and truth be told I think I had, until a while back, when I found something out, and it set me way back, fast.

I’m still in the process of clawing my way out, part of me wants to stay at the bottom of the pond, because it’s familiar. This feeling, this ache, this unworthiness.

What’s getting me through besides my friends and family having the patience of saints. Is the small reminders of what used to be and now isn’t.

I feel I can be myself now. I don’t have to censor myself, change the language I can use – because people shouldn’t be intimidated by my intelligence or feel they are less than, because they arn’t, I just read alot, my vocabulary is huge. Deal with it.

I coached you through three triathlons because I knew what I was doing, and I didn’t sign up, because I wasn’t allowed to. In hindsight I can’t believe I let go, but I also made a really good coach. I also couldn’t join your running group because I had run past you in bootcamp a few times. Thing is I wasn’t competing against you, I was just trying to run faster. You made the same mistake that alot of people do, I run faster than I look. But you made me feel crap about it, so I did my own thing, and that was just fine.

People can talk to me, I can talk to them without you feeling jealous. I was never going to have an affair, ever. You knew that, but every time anyone spoke to me, you would make me feel so small. I have no idea why.

You sent me a list once, of all the things I needed to fix about myself. The only time I ever considered splitting was when your drinking, quite early on got out of control. I spoke to you about it, and you worked through it, I supported you.

Some reference was made to my weight every single day, and then when I lost some weight, you kept saying I’d leave you.

One day, not too long from now it will be different. It won’t be worse, or better. It’s not going to help to compare. But it will be different, and it was before you came along.

Sometimes at night I still reach for you, and you’re not there. And that’s okay.

And yes, there are two sides to every story. I did stupid things too. But I never made you feel less than the wonderful person that you were (I would say what you are now – but I don’t know who that is).

Me? I’m not a rocket scientist, but I’m smart, have no issue in who I am, and what I want to do with my life, my friends and family love me no matter what. And whilst my self esteem got whacked, I am happy, and I’m living my life.

There is no drama, no secrets, no lies, the water is calm. Everyone knows who I am, and everyone, in the end will know who you are.

 

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