I’m still in the process of clawing my way out, part of me wants to stay at the bottom of the pond, because it’s familiar. This feeling, this ache, this unworthiness.

What’s getting me through besides my friends and family having the patience of saints. Is the small reminders of what used to be and now isn’t.

I feel I can be myself now. I don’t have to censor myself, change the language I can use – because people shouldn’t be intimidated by my intelligence or feel they are less than, because they arn’t, I just read alot, my vocabulary is huge. Deal with it.

I coached you through three triathlons because I knew what I was doing, and I didn’t sign up, because I wasn’t allowed to. In hindsight I can’t believe I let go, but I also made a really good coach. I also couldn’t join your running group because I had run past you in bootcamp a few times. Thing is I wasn’t competing against you, I was just trying to run faster. You made the same mistake that alot of people do, I run faster than I look. But you made me feel crap about it, so I did my own thing, and that was just fine.

People can talk to me, I can talk to them without you feeling jealous. I was never going to have an affair, ever. You knew that, but every time anyone spoke to me, you would make me feel so small. I have no idea why.

You sent me a list once, of all the things I needed to fix about myself. The only time I ever considered splitting was when your drinking, quite early on got out of control. I spoke to you about it, and you worked through it, I supported you.

Some reference was made to my weight every single day, and then when I lost some weight, you kept saying I’d leave you.

One day, not too long from now it will be different. It won’t be worse, or better. It’s not going to help to compare. But it will be different, and it was before you came along.

Sometimes at night I still reach for you, and you’re not there. And that’s okay.

And yes, there are two sides to every story. I did stupid things too. But I never made you feel less than the wonderful person that you were (I would say what you are now - but I don’t know who that is).

Me? I’m not a rocket scientist, but I’m smart, have no issue in who I am, and what I want to do with my life, my friends and family love me no matter what. And whilst my self esteem got whacked, I am happy, and I’m living my life.

There is no drama, no secrets, no lies, the water is calm. Everyone knows who I am, and everyone, in the end will know who you are.

Since then I’ve been rather obsessed.

For the past while I’ve been hatching a plan, a mighty one that involves, taking a few trips east and checking the area out. I plan on Easter being my first visit, and if all goes well I’ll go back.

My gut says yes, go for it, and for once my head is in agreement.

Tomorrow I start saving for a little house overlooking the vast expanse of ocean.

Tonight, I start looking for an immigration lawyer.

*image source new foundland and labrador tourism

Note: Toronto is awesome, for now. Longterm I need salty ocean air.

I still only have work until the end of the month, but I have an odd but good feeling that things will work out. That, and hard work.

Loving my new gym, not as awesome as my old one back in Welly, but it’s not too crowded, is near my house, has a running track, and the people at the desk know my name.

It’s still hard to make new friends when you are not in a job for very long and moving about BUT the ones I have made so far, are wonderful.

Two weeks annual leave here is the norm. A group of us are already trying to plan a budget fun weekend out of town for a public holiday in late February. At the moment I am the only one with any steady work. When we all eventually get work, we’ll go out to eat, so we can afford to tip!

This week I’ve realised how much I’ve grown as a person, and as a friend. One of my old friends commented the other day that it was like having the old Lucinda back, and he is right. I’m happy, and it feels just like home.

Tomorrow is Friday and my housemate and I are going to costco! I’m thinking I won’t need to buy oats until my visa runs out, ha.

- Organising a world wide fun run with friends – this was an experience I will never forget. We were determined to make a positive out of a horrid event. We raised almost $20,000 and were continually amazed with people and their generosity.

- Two more half marathons, bringing to the total to four. I’ve got slower, but I still love them just as much, I think it’s my favourite distance whilst still being able to keep up a social life!

- Japan. I LOVED it. Can’t stop telling people how wonderful it is. And cannot wait to go back. It definitely on my place to live in list.

- Plane travel. I was on a plane or two every month this year. I have horrid motion sickness, but love travelling about, even if it is work related. Though some of my travel was fun related!

- Canada, or should I say Toronto, as that’s the only place I’ve been in so far!

-Debt smackdown – paid off over 50% of my debt! Whoop!

2012 is all about focussing on getting fitter and losing those kgs, dropping the debt, and making a travel plan for 2012 that is affordable whilst still being able to see all the places I want to!

Thanks for all your support this year, it’s been a blast!

1. My weight

Specific: I need to lose about 44kgs (sheesh) to get to a healthy weight range.

Measurable: Umm see above.

Achieveable: 44 /52 = just over 800 grams per week. Do I think it’s achievable? yes and no. That’s alot to consistently lose over 12 months. The recommeneded is 500g-1kg per week, and on average it’s 500g.

Realistic: I think it is more releatic to aim for 600g on average per week, and anything more is a bonus. Basically the weight needs to come off, it has for a long time, and with the PCOS it’s going to be additionally harder, but not impossible.

Time based: 600g per week is around a 30kg loss over the next 12 months.

Now the plan is…

I’ve signed up for Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation Programme starting on February 13, they have a prep stage that starts on January 16th.

I should point out, I’m not giving up on weight watchers, I just want to try something different – it’s the same it’s still calories in calories out, but I just need to change things up a little. Plus I wanted a programme that I had to do the hard work for too. My aim for those 12 weeks is to lose 15kg, I’m going at it 110% and will be interested to see the results.

I’ve joined a local gym, and signed up for a bootcamp starting January 9th (Well I’ve sent them an email – hoping they still have a spot!)

I’ll be talking a little bit each month about how my weight loss efforts are going, but most of it will be done here.

2. My finances.

Specific: I want to get rid of all my debt, excluding my student debt in 2012.

Measurable: Around $7000 none of it is interest bearing. And no, none of it is from my Japan trip or the move here. I saved up for those, whilst still paying down the debt in 2011.

Achievable: This is entirely dependent on my salary, which at the moment is fluctuating because I am temping. I may have the opportunity to begin a contract role in February which would keep me employed until my visa expired at the end of 2013. It will most likely pay less than what I earned in NZ, but it will be a consistent pay cheque, reasonable working hours, and I think it is the smart choice – if it goes that way. The market here is VERY tight.

Realistic – I’ve made a budget based on all my current expenses plus any other ones I may need to think about, and savings. I have a friend who is an accountant that goes through this with me, so I’m not underestimating stuff, but also so I still have money to do things I want to do. I am willing to work harder at it this year, to more money to free up beyond 2012. At the moment I can commit to paying off $3000 over the year. Any additional money I make over that threshold will also go into my repayments.

Time based: 12 months $3000 any additional money I earn, or get back in tax, goes into to paying off more.

Now the plan is…

I kind of feel like I am repeating myself here.

• Make sure my budget is realistic.
• Keep up my savings goals – 14% of whatever I earn in each paycheque.
• Any additional money that I earn either via a higher salary or freelance work, will go into paying off the debt.
• I will update how things are going about once a month, and will keep a tally going on the sidebar too.

I don’t own a credit card, it is great NOT having one.

My student debt isn’t interest bearing, and will be deducted from my salary when I return to Australia. That said, if I get a decent salary sooner than expected, I will start paying that off too. But only after the rest!

Do you have goals for the new year? Big or small? Dream big friends!

- House. Check – Living in a HUGE house in an apparently downtown suburb. I can still walk commute to work! House tour will be appearing shortly!

- Job. Kind of Check – The market here is VERY tight. I’m temping at the moment, and even that market is tight. I have confirmed work until end of January. But I also have the possibility of permanent work until the end of my visa (but not a career move position). I’ve got a bit of thinking to do over the holiday break, about why I am here, and what I want from my time here. A super stressful 90 hour plus work week, been there, done that. I need to also remind myself that I won’t be any less employable when I head back ‘home’ – wherever that is?!

- Health. Besides the usual moving country again hiccups, and some post relationship craziness. I am glad to report that I am possibly the least stressed I’ve been in my life, and it’s made a huge difference to me and those around me in general. If I need help/support I’ll ask. And I’ve also finally admitted to myself that my last relationship was so destructive and unsupported in so many ways that of course it was going to take me a lot longer to deal with it than I thought – and that is just fine, I’m human. So yes, calmer waters, happy camper.

- Toronto. Really cool city. To be honest when I first arrived I thought it was umm, a bit bland. But now I am spending more time exploring neighbourhoods and heading out, it really is an amazing city. It is apparently VERY mild weather for this time of year. It’s snowed once, and it melted as soon as it hit the ground. Needless to say you’ll hear about it when the snow hits.

I’m spending the next week working on adventures for the next 12 months, so will be reporting on that over the next week or two and beyond. Going to take this space to the next level, oh an me!

xx

At the time I needed a break from alot of things, and also needed time, just to be and work out who I was and wanted to be.

I’m still working that out, and that’s just fine.

I know who I am much more than I did then, and I’m a bit more at peace with alot of things.

This post is coming to you from the airport lounge. I’m all checked in and waiting for my flight to board.

It’s rather bittersweet.

And that’s is okay too.

I’m Australian, but this place will always be my home.

I’m off for a part of this week to Sydney this week for work, then back for a final week in Wellington. I’m on a plane to Auckland next Friday and another to San Francisco the next day! And yes, I’, still in denial!

Bon Iver - Discovered him by listening to his CD on my Air NZ flight back from Tokyo. Have purchased a ticket for his concert in Toronto in December! Squeee!

Cheese - I’ve been adding it to my dinner salads – and actually having the serving size, rather than the entire block.

Living with less – Yes I am down to my pack, smaller back pack, and yoga mat. I just need to get my pesky grocery bag full of random stuff down further. The less I take with me, the better!

All Blacks – I never understood the NZ obsession with rugby until this week. The entire country is behind them. The buzz is incredible. If they win the final, I cannot imagine what it will be like. I feel blessed to be here and to witness history. This is an amazing country.

No 2 Job – It finishes tomorrow night – yes! More time for saying goodbye and haunting my favourite gym classes and enjoying Spring, before I head to the opposite hemisphere.

Today I did a circuit class at a gym, a hardcore one, like sprinting across the floor lugging heavy weights, sprinting back, doing a prone hold, burpees, and hauling about weight bags like I was rocky. I felt sick by the end, and I loved every damn minute of it.

My body has and does some pretty amazing things.

- I can outsprint a lot of people, a lot. Tiny girls that spend a lot of time on the cross trainer (to each their own), but yeah, their jaw drops every time I pass them during a speed session.

- I’ll pretty much give any workout a go. Last week I was doing box jumps indoors, misjudged and did some kind of kamikaze leap back and landed without knocking my self out.

- I’ve run a marathon, and except for the drink stops, I ran the entire way.

- I’ve run 4 half marathons.

- I can hold a full prone hold (plank) for two minutes plus.

- I can’t stand pull ups (my trainer tells me no-one really likes them – I seriously thought it was just me). But I do them every time during training, sometimes I need assistance toward the end, seriously do not want to fall off that thing and into the hard floor!

- I’ve completed 3 boot camps, like full on running in the rain at 6am whilst carrying a 15kg weight bag for a bloody long time.

-If I am having trouble with an exercise I will do the modified version, but I will ALWAYS try the full on version at least three times before I modify it. I’m rather stubborn like that.

-I’ll pretty much always smile during my workout, the only time I don’t is if someone is trying to explain something to me, and I’m concentrating on what they are actually showing me – and then I’m away.

- I love hill climbing in spin class. The best advice I can give anyone that is larger and is worried about getting into running is to start spin classes asap. They will build up your leg power in no time, but you need to go 3+ times a week – that’s what worked for me.

- I’m a strong swimmer. My ex used to not be that keen on ocean and open water swimming, so we used to go out and I would trail along behind and along side during training swims for a lot of the time. Or if she was closer into shore I would stand on the beach and keep an eye out and occasionally demand she get back in the water even it meant she had to swim along the shoreline for confidence. Yes I can be firm, but I’m kind about it! I did squad swimming three times a week in my teens, I’m a fish!

The most important thing I do is not judge people (and yes that does include the cross training gals). Don’t ever assume because someone is smaller, larger, or doesn’t fit the ‘fit’ whatever the hell that means that they are not capable.

None of this happened over night, it’s been really hard work, and slow, BUT it has paid off and I wouldn’t change it at all – okay maybe I’d eat less cake.

Do your best, give it go, and give yourself a pat on the back about the awesome stuff your body does and CAN do.

I’m busy meeting with old and new friends catching up, making plans for future visits and travels with them, drinking more coffee than normal, and my diary is crammed full of good byes

Because work is more manageable now, I’m able to fit in lunchtime gym sessions, I haven’t had sessions this regularly in ages. It’s keeping me fit, and I’m not beating myself up over additional farewell drinking.

I had coffee with the person that broke my heart (it’s mending!) a couple weeks back, it was nice, but I sent them an email to let them know I can’t see them again before I go. That was really hard to do. I really miss them. But I need to look after me.

I finish up my most awesome house sit this weekend with the cats. And then I’m in hanging at a hostel before I head out (oh and a side trip to Sydney the week before I leave for work).

I’m trying to save every last penny before I go. So I can spend it on awesome things in Canada, oh and to keep me afloat until I find employment.

I finish second job early next week! I can’t wait. It still feels odd to have weekends.

Last weekend I spend time in Queenstown, as I had scored $10 return tickets, yes $10!

Before Sunday I need to downsize my goods, again. Forgot my yoga mat needs to fit in my pack…

A friend let me borrow his deadwood series. I’ve had tried watching it before, and never been able to get into it, but I normally have a two episode rule then I give up. But I kept going. I may or may not have watched an episode before work this morning, and got the bus in instead of walking in :-S

I trying to have fun, and get a kick out my last few weeks here, I really do love it here. But I want to try something different, I need to!